Why I Hate Church . . . (1).png

I was baptized when I was 10. 

I went to church almost every Sunday.

I gave tithe with my family.

I prayed at every meal and devotions with my family.

Then when I was 15 my family left the church we were at, (we’d left my grandfather’s church 2 years before.)

We looked around for a church. We’ve tried several churches . . . Almost all of the churches within 50 miles. We’ve still yet to find a church in the past 2 years. I’m almost glad we haven’t found a church for several reasons.

 

  1. I never fit in at any of the several churches we went to. Either I was too young, too old, homeschooled, had no hobbies similar to the kids at the churches or otherwise.

 

I never had friends. Never met anyone that I really got to know. I would get uncomfortable at church with all of the people around that I didn’t know. I’d get stressed out, a headache, shaky, nervous, and sick to my stomach, I literally felt like I’d throw up.

 

This started happening almost every time we went to church. I got to the point I hated church. Just because I felt like I wasn’t supposed to be there, that I shouldn’t be in any of the churches we went to. Twice I almost had panic attacks at church. I felt like an outsider.

 

  1. I wasn’t a Christian.

Well, I was a “Christian” offering only lip service to my Savior.

I didn’t pray unless I had to. Which was normally at meals, or devotions.

Never on my own.

For a while, I read books just to escape from real life.

(So, I suppose I was an outsider but I was never shown that I didn’t have to be.)

That’s when I saw that I was making bad choices. I wanted to change. But I was just drifting in sin — anger, bitterness, hatred, fear.

I then knew I couldn’t change myself. But had no idea what to do, until I was nearly 17. I had just started my blog. My first ever blog, I did book reviews. And for a sinner who was hiding from my problems I had the bright idea to match a Bible verse to my favorite characters in the books I reviewed.

Yeah, I know really smart of someone hiding from the truth.

Soon after I started praying and reading my Bible more as I blogged. I wanted to blog consistently and in doing so I had to search through the Bible for verses that fit characters in books.

Before I knew it I wanted to read my Bible. I’d never wanted to read my Bible before that but I’ve grown to thirst for it.

And now I’m a Christian.

But I’m not a Christian because of my church. Church made me not want to be a Christian. I only became a Christian after I left church.

Sure, I have a long way to go, but I’m closer to God now after not being in church consistently after nearly 3 years. I don’t think I ever would have grown to have faith in God if we kept going to church.

And it breaks my heart because that’s not how God made us.

He made us care for one another lifting each other up. He wants us to help each other in our walk with Him. Yet, I’ve rarely seen anyone do so in real life.

  1. The churches we went to didn’t like that my parents have 8 kids.

Which is directly the opposite of what they should think.

Of all the churches we’ve tried half of them didn’t like that my family all sat in the whole service. They would suggest that the little kids be taken back to the nursey. My siblings are polite kids . . . Most of the time. (But one pastor of a small church even went so far as to pause his sermon and ask my parents to take the kids to the back because they were being loud. FYI, the baby who wasn’t even half a year had giggled, and it was considered rude and loud. My mom was still teaching the baby to be quiet.)

That’s why I’m glad I don’t go to church anymore but I want to be able to go to a church that is really seen as a church, and not a social gathering. I’ve just felt like I’m not a follower of Christ, I’ve felt like I’m not worshipping the God of the universe. Church has always been a trial and yet I still want to find a church that I can worship my Savior in.

9 thoughts on “Why I Hate Church . . . Honestly Me.

  1. I meet at The Church In OKC. Yeah, blah name, but it’s based of of how, in the Bible, there was the church in Antioch, The church in philipi, and so on. Well, at our meetings (because we believe we are the church, the body of Christ, the bride, and God’s expression) we ALL speak. We call on the name of the Lord, and pray openly. I will be baptized next month. I love our church, and every one has testimonies. My mom didn’t enjoy God as much til she joined our meetings, and she was a preacher’s kid! We all have the same goal: To bring more people to our “Family” and to enjoy our Dear Lord Jesus Christ more. There are churches for the recovery all over… and a Bible training to go and disciple in Anehiem, CA. Maybe there’s a Recovery meeting hall near you? Just a suggestion, but the Lord may pull you strong, or leave you be! 🙂

    Like

  2. Wow, you just descrbibed my church life. I had an amazing church for about a year but then it disolved. I spent the next year crying every Sunday as my (large) family and I searched for different churches. I never felt welcome anywhere. I was the weird homeschooled kids with a bunch of little siblings. No one ever talked to me. Once we found a little church and we were going to become members but then a lady from the congregation made a big fuss about how my siblings and I were too shy to be a good part of the church. And so we were back on our church search and I was back crying silently alone every Sunday. Now, almost 3 years later we STILL haven’t really found a church. I am angry because I’m ignored and because the people seem really fake, you know? They worship Jesus for the service but afterward they just go and gossip. And it makes me so mad and so sad. 3 years ago, before my church dissolved, I actually felt like I had a family. That church was a rare and special gift. But it’s gone. I still cry over it. Since I am homeschooled and very shy, church is the only place I can make friends. So for the last three years I have lived friendless.
    Anyway, good post. You aren’t alone in what you have gone through. There are a lot of others out there who understand exactly what you have endured.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh, that’s so hard! I’ve never really had a great church…don’t get me wrong, our pastor is totally awesome and preaches the truth. It’s just the people in the church and the talking afterward! I don’t “fit in” because 1. Divorced parents. 2. We don’t do homeschool coops. 3. We don’t do video games and very few movies. 4. We don’t do sports.
      We are too different for most people.
      Honestly I probably get along better with the adults than the kids.
      I hope you can find another church!!!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m sorry that you’ve never fit in and understand 2 of your 4 reasons (my family has a movie night so we watch movies quite a bit, my parents are married – nearly twenty years. Though we don’t do sports or co-ops.)
    But I’ve realized that it’s fine not to “fit in” Christians aren’t supposed to “fit in” because if we did we wouldn’t be showing God’s love and truth. Christians are supposed to be different just not from other Christians… I guess.
    I completely understand getting along better with the adults than with kids, I always have.
    I’m glad you have a church that you can go to!

    I’ll check out your blog post … I love it already from the name — last week my family went to a church and after one of us made a comment about it being a “gossip meeting” instead of a church so I’m glad we aren’t the only ones who feel like that.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks! Yep, I’m fine not fitting in with the world since I’m a Christian (oh, obviously there is still that fleshly desire, but it’s not a big problem…if you know what I mean) , but not fitting in with Christians is harder. You wonder how many of Christians are actually Christians…
      Actually, I get along really well with people who are at least 3-4 years younger than me. And then the adults would be next. But if someone is my age, it’s pretty much hopeless.

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s